Immediately After Arguing with a Female Robot at the Cable Company, I Canceled my Subscription.

Nothing would have prepared me for what followed

It all started when I needed to change a setting in my modem. I could use the app, but it wasn’t working. “You don’t have access to this account,” said a message in the app. That is preposterous. This was my account, and I paid for it. But I no longer had access to it. Something was stupidly wrong.

The cable company’s webpage showed a picture of a young, attractive woman, and the caption said: Hi, I’m Ashley; call me.” Wow, Ashley?! But that was a picture of my girlfriend Ashley when I was in high school. How could that possibly be?

She was super cute, and I remember when we used to make out on the basement couch. She was the first girl I loved, and she taught me everything about sex; we discovered each other for the first time back in those days. I can’t ever forget her sweet voice. This was strange, and I had to call.

Hi, I’m Ashley, and I’m here to help you. Are you having a problem with your modem? If so, say yes, or say something else. It was Ashley’s voice, her real voice. I said: Ashley! Is that you? I’m sorry, I didn’t understand. Let’s try something else. In a few words, say what you came here for. For you, Ashley, I…